Forgiveness
by Midorima Kazunari
Summary: After learning what Satsuki does when he's in control of their body, Natsuki regrets a decision he made. (Written for the RLt Green Room Challenge # 3 - "It's so Hypnotic!")


Natsuki stands in front of Shining Saotome's office. He's been there for close to an hour now, approaching the door, putting his hand on the knob, only to back off time and time again.

 _Don't do this; nothing good will come of it,_ the voice in his head, his protector and bodyguard – the second part of his soul – pleads.

In the last ten years, Natsuki had never not listened to that conscience on his shoulder, and it had never steered him wrong, but tonight… Footsteps come fast and hard down the hallway and before he can hesitate again and flee, Shining Saotome arrives, making the blonde's head spin.

"Natsuki!" he shouts, clapping the tall teenager on the shoulder, knocking him forward. His glasses slip; he clutches at the nose piece, forcing them back into place. "What can I do for you?"

"I…" He can't form the words, so he swallows. _Natsuki this is foolishness. Don't let that madman mess with your head –_

"I want to know if you can do for me what you did for Syo-chan when he was afraid of heights."

"You mean when I hypnotized him?" he asks, twirling around Natsuki, switching random English words into the normal sentence, and finally coming to a stop with a flourish.

"Yes, that."

"Why would you need to be hypnotized?" Saotome asks, all pretense of the bombastic producer drops away as he sees there is only fear in his tender green eyes.

"I'm too dependent on him. I'm afraid that one day he'll go too far and hurt one of my friends."

 _As long as they don't attack you first, they don't have anything to worry about._

"By 'him' you mean…?"

"Satsuki, the other personality that lives within me."

Saotome lowers his sunglasses and peers over them at Natsuki. "I didn't think you knew about him. At least, that's what Kurusu told us."

"I'm not stupid," Natsuki says, borrowing some of Satsuki's attitude. "I noticed the blackouts and missing times almost immediately. As a child, I ignored it, thinking the voice in my head was just my conscience, but I've seen the video and read the news articles about me that don't make any sense. I've won six composition awards for violin and I haven't played that instrument in ten years – haven't even picked one up since that woman – and switched to viola because…

 _Because that bitch stole your heart and your work._

"Anyway," Natsuki continues, "Afterward, if I was stressed out or scared, I'd just take off my glasses and let him do all the heavy lifting."

 _Which is fine. I've always got your back. But if you do this, you will regret it._

"Like the play you and Otoya did, the rock opera?"

"Exactly," he says, shivering. "I didn't think I could do it myself, so I let him do it. He's not a member of STARISH and I shouldn't have done it. To have a proper Revolution, I should have done it on my own. I know that now."

"What exactly do you want me to do, Shinomiya-kun? Hypnotism isn't a science."

"I want to have control again, but I don't want to destroy him. He is me, after all."

"I can't make any promises, but I can try. Come into my office and we'll see what we can do."

* * *

Saotome sets the metronome to a slow steady beat and begins to talk quietly. "You are becoming sleepy." The wick of the candle between them crackles and pops, but Natsuki's head lowers until his chin rests on his chest, his arms loose at his sides. "Okay, you are asleep. Your memories will now travel farther and farther back in time. Where were you and how old were you when Satsuki first came to your rescue?"

"France, when he was five and had to leave his home to move to Hokkaido," Satsuki's voice hisses. "Even before that damn woman stole everything from him. I was there and taking care of him almost from the beginning –"

"Silence," Saotome barks. "I'm only talking to Natsuki now, you are not allowed to speak for him."

"I was…" Natsuki's voice returns. "I think he's always been with me…"

* * *

The cross unit of Shinomiya Natsuki, Kurusu Syo, and Jinguji Ren finishes another full run through of the choreography for Haruka's newest song and gathers around the piano to make notes about the changes.

"I really liked that 'ooh' you added in on the sixth measure of page four," Syo tells Ren.

"Thanks, it was spontaneous, so I wasn't so sure if it was right. I always want to make sure I do justice to our little lamb's work."

"I love it!" Haruka adds.

Natsuki takes the towel Syo hands him and without thinking takes off his glasses and wipes the sweat off his brow. Four sets of eyes, track his movements, eyes wide and tense.

"Get ready, here 'he' comes," Syo whispers. "I'll go for the glasses, you two try to distract him.

"So, what did you think of that last go round?" Ren asks, putting himself forward and into the line of attack as Syo edges around the back of the piano.

Natsuki slips his glasses back on and looks up at his terrified friends' faces and knows he's done the right thing, even if he feels hollow and empty.

"What's wrong, Ren? I really loved what you did and if Haruka's okay with it, I think we should do it," Natsuki says.

"Did he just…?" Syo asks, still reaching for glasses that are no longer on the lid of the piano.

"Did I what?"

The door to the practice room opens and a woman peeks in.

"Can we help you?" Ren asks, smooth and smiling.

"No, I was just looking for…" she looks quickly at the room, then her eyes settle on Natsuki. "There you are, Senpai! I didn't realize you were working with others today." She pulls the door open, revealing that she is wearing a Saotome Academy Evening Program polo shirt.

"Senpai?" Syo whispers to Ren.

She walks into the room and stands before Natsuki, pulling a portfolio out of the bag slung over her shoulder. "You want me to come back later?"

Everyone looks at Natsuki, then back at her.

"I'm sorry," he says, "Do you have me mixed up with someone else?"

"Oh no!" she says, blushing. "I'm so sorry, you're not Satsuki; you're his brother, Natsuki, aren't you? This is STARISH! I'm so sorry." She retreats to the door.

"No, that's fine. You're looking for Satsuki?" Haruka asks, stopping her with an outstretched hand.

"Yes, we meet here every Friday, but please don't let me interrupt you. If Saotome-sama were to find out, I –"

"Its fine," Haruka insists. "Come in and sit down." She steers the stranger to sit on the couch closest to the door where she perches like she might jump away at any second; Haruka takes the other spot and smiles at her. "We're done for the evening and it's interesting to meet someone else who knows Satsuki."

"What do you do every Friday?" Natsuki takes the seat at the piano bench, his knees unsteady.

"Why am I not surprised your brother didn't tell you? He takes everything on those wide shoulders by himself. It would be a weakness to admit he can't do everything," she laughs. "I'm in the Management Class at the evening program of Saotome Academy, so working for your brother is like an internship. I do all his clerical chores, like emails and phone calls, and his management. I'm the one who finds all the contests he eventually wins and I make sure the entries are in on time and complete. I swear, he burns the candle at both ends and if I didn't…" She stops noticing the confused looks on the faces of the members of STARISH. "He really never mentioned any of this, did he?"

"No, he's never mentioned that. My… we aren't very close." Natsuki stops speaking as he notices a quiver in his voice.

"He's said as much, but I never really believed him until now. I'm mean twins, right? That's really surprising."

"They aren't twins," Syo says, an edge of annoyance in his voice.

"Oh? Which one of you is older?"

"I am," Natsuki says, his voice shaking even harder. Tears sting his eyes, he pushes his glasses away, and rubs at them.

"It's amazing how much you two look alike," she says.

"It must be hard to work with someone like Satsuki," Ren offers, taking her eyes and attention away from Natsuki.

"Well, at first it was, but once I figured out that he holds himself to the same standard, I stopped taking it personally. He's very hard on himself and gives slack to no one, but he appreciates hard work and competency – yeah that's his word for it, haha."

"Um, how did a Management student end up with Satsuki as a client?" Syo asks.

"We were all paired up with an evening Classical Composition students. Satsuki… well his temper is very well-known among our classmates, and because I was absent the day partners were chosen, we sort of ended up as leftovers together."

"Wow, and you put up with him without getting paid for it. You're a brave woman," Natsuki says, chuckling to make it a friendly joke, when it feels like anything but.

"Not really," she responds, smiling. "Satsuki is the only reason I've been able to pass my theory classes. I would have never been able to figure out the difference between the clefs without his help. I'm… well, hopeless with theory – please don't let him know I said that, he'd be very angry at me."

"No, of course not," Natsuki says, his head throbbing, as if it were suddenly filled with too much liquid.

"So, do you know where he is?" she asks. "I've got a contract for a new contest that he needs to sign."

"I…" Natsuki stutters.

"Didn't you say he had an appointment tonight, a last minute thing?" Ren supplies.

"Yes, I think he did!" Natsuki jumps at the lie. "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling very well now. My head hurts pretty badly."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Satsuki gets headaches a lot too. Here," she says, digging through her bag and hands out a tube that looks like a glue stick. "Your brother swears by this stuff. Just roll it over your forehead and you'll feel better in no time."

As he takes it from her hand, he's overcome with a sense of déjà vu, as if he's done this countless times before. He applies the remedy and although the smell is oddly reassuring, the pressure just gets worse, like an angry horde of bees are buzzing about his brain.

"I guess I'll just text him then," she says, pulling her phone from her pocket and typing a rapid-fire message onto the keys. As she hits send, the bench seat beneath him vibrates. Natsuki stands and fumbles at the catch, before finally opening the compartment and retrieving the bright green phone.

"I don't think he has it with him," Natsuki says as he fights away a wave of nausea.

She sighs, closing her eyes, and pinching at the bridge of her nose. She huffs out a small laugh and shakes her head as her eyes pop open. "That figures. Tonight is the last night before the big project is due."

"Unreliable partners are the worst," Syo mutters, glaring at Natsuki.

"Oh, no!" she says, standing. Her folder flies off her lap and papers scatter across the floor. "He's an amazing partner and we've already finished our group work, but all the Management students have a theory project due on Monday. I'll just have to hope he can get back to me by phone," she says, gathering up the papers, as Haruka and Ren move to assist. Natsuki sits there, too stunned to move. "I work a full-time job during the day… but you know what, I've wasted enough of your time. I'm sure everything will work out." She picks up her bag and slings it over her shoulder. "Again, I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding. How about we don't mention this to Satsuki, ok?"

"Wait, we're all musicians, maybe we can help," Haruka offers.

"I couldn't," she replies smiling. "Satsuki and I have an arrangement and besides, how many musicians actually work in the French violin clef? Right?"

"Natsuki and Syo both do, aren't I right, guys?" Haruka asks.

"Sure we do," Syo answers for them both. "We both play viola –"

Natsuki stands and rushes out the door. "I'm sorry," he mutters behind the hand clenched over his mouth. "I think I'm going to be sick."

* * *

Syo stays behind to help the stranger as Ren follows Natsuki out into the hallway and across to the bathrooms. When he steps behind him, Natsuki is already kneeling before the toilet. The lid is up and his arm is draped across the bowl as he heaves his dinner into the water.

Ren gathers his friend's hair and holds it back.

"Don't you'll get dirty," Natsuki protests around mouthfuls of filth.

"It doesn't matter," he says, rubbing his hand across Natsuki's painfully taut shoulders. "We long-haired boys have to stick together and hold each other's hair when we puke."

After another few fruitless heaves, Natsuki sits back. Ren pulls toilet paper from the roll and dabs at the corners of Natsuki's mouth.

"Are you alright now?"

Natsuki takes his glasses off and looks around for where he can put them; Ren takes them gently and slips them into his breast pocket.

"It's going to take some time getting used to you without the glasses. I automatically feel like going on the defense, but Satsuki's not coming out to play, is he? What did you do?"

Natsuki crosses his legs under him and cups his hands around his mouth as tears flood down his cheeks. Ren checks the floor, then rolls his eyes, and sits down across from Natsuki, resting one hand on the other's knee.

"I asked…" he hiccups, "Saotome to hypnotize me."

"You let that… lunatic mess around in your head? No wonder you're sick." Natsuki can't help but hear the echoes of Satsuki saying the thing.

"I thought I was doing the right thing –"

"Didn't you? You can take off your glasses without fear now."

"But Kaiyo…"

"Who?" Ren asks, confused.

"That woman, her name is Kaiyo. There's no way I'd know that, except…" He takes the green phone from his pocket and opens it. He doesn't know the password, but his fingers hit the four digit sequence without thought. "…except a part of me is Satsuki and always will be."

He thumbs through the texts and reads the private messages that were never intended to be read by anyone but the two senders.

"I've made a horrible mistake," he says. "I've got to fix this."

"Alright, we'll go see Saotome once she's gone and we'll make him put you back the way you were."

"Not everyone will like that," he says, thinking of his roommate and oldest friend.

"Kurusu's lived with Satsuki for this long, he'll get over it."

* * *

"Think about this, Natsuki," Syo demands as the group walks down to Saotome's office together. "You did the right thing getting rid of him. I know it's hard, but –"

"Kurusu-kun, don't make this harder for him than it already is," Haruka says.

"He's made up his mind," Ren agrees. "We need to support him."

"We'll still be by your side, no matter who you are, Shinomiya-san," Haruka adds, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Syo-chan," Natsuki says. This time as he approaches the door, he doesn't hesitate, but throws it open and walks straight over to the couch and the metronome. He sets it in motion as Shining Saotome finally finds his voice.

"So, you've realized what a horrible idea that was?"

"Yes, a horrible idea," he agrees, clutching the cell phone.

"Alright, you are getting sleepy," Saotome says as the others gather round to watch…

* * *

Satsuki opens his eyes, surrounded on all sides by people he'd rather not see. Natsuki's glasses sit carefully folded on the table and next to it is his cell phone, his only lifeline and form of independence.

"Satsuki-san?" Haruka asks in a quiet, calm tone as if she's half-expectant, half-terrified.

He leans forward and takes the phone and glasses, stands, and goes toward the door.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Ren asks.

He looks back over his shoulder. "You're right, I should. Thank you for taking care of Natsuki when I was unable to do so. And to those of you who supported his decision, I'll remember that. Those of you who didn't…" he warns, then leaves the office.

He heads to the practice room, listening to his voicemail.

"Hey, sorry I missed you earlier, but I got to meet your brother and his band. They were nicer than you said they were. You should consider giving them another chance, especially Kurusu Syo. He helped me with the transposing work. Oh, that reminds me, I left a contract for you to sign in the bench. I'll pick it up tomorrow. Anyway…" she stops talking, but Satsuki can imagine her expression. "It really sucked not seeing you tonight, but I hope whatever you had to do wasn't serious. If you're not too tired, give me a call when you're done. Ok, well, see you later."

He lets himself into the room, finds the contract exactly where she said, and signs it. He sits at the piano bench and drags his fingers across the keys. There's a melody he thinks of every time he hears her voice, and he plucks the notes from his memory. He dials her number and puts it on speaker phone.

"Satsuki?"

"Has anyone else ever called you on my phone?" he asks, and is rewarded by her laughter.

"Did everything work out alright? Your brother said you had an appointment –"

"I apologize for not telling you ahead of time. It was inconsiderate."

"It's ok. You don't have to tell me everything. Life is more interesting with a few secrets."

"I feel… bad about leaving you in a lurch for your tutoring.

"Don't. Kurusu Syo, he um, well he transposed my assignment for me. I know I shouldn't have let him, but I wasn't sure you'd make it back in time to help me."

"I understand; I wasn't sure I'd be back either. But next week we'll revisit the assignment and do it together to make sure you understand the concept."

"Thank you, Satsuki."

"You're welcome, Kaiyo. I have something to play for you. Do you have a moment to listen?"

"A new piece?" she asks, excited.

"Yes, I call it Forgiveness."


End file.
